1. Appreciate her breasts but compliment her wit.
2. Pick up the tab. What? Buy respect? Of course not--you earn it by showing it as you scoop up the bill. To your potential father-in-law: "Your daughter and I would like to treat you." On business: "Jim, it's the least I can do."
3. Try the sushi.
4. When you're spotting someone on the bench and he needs help on the last rep, make him work for it. If he complains afterward about the perceived lack of help, shrug and say, "The last rep's no freebie." Watch his face as he realizes he lifted most of the weight.
5. Never blunt the bad news.
6. Instead of throwing the first punch, just say, "Go ahead and swing. But you'll go to jail for assault, lose your house in the civil suit, and still take the beating of your life as I defend myself. Choose now."
7. If the mutt hits you before you finish the above speech, stick with the plan.
8. Stay sober when no one would blame you for drinking.
9. Nail the toast.
10. Cook for 12.
11. Become what you told people you always wanted to be.
12. When some lemon- sucker asks, "Ugh, you actually like that book?" just reply--with unwavering eye contact--"Yes."
13. Refuse a slut. (Because self-respect is the most important kind.)
14. Remain good company as your short game disintegrates and your following drive kicks up chickens the next farm over. These guys have to spend 3 more hours with you.
15. Par the 18th.
16. Say no when no's the answer. "We'll see," "I'll have to get back to you on that," and "I'm not 100 percent sure" are smoke screens for the man who's afraid to disappoint.
17. Become multilingual. Could be Spanish. Could be the secret language of the internal combustion engine. Either way, it's a life truth: A man with two tongues
is a man in demand.
18. Display a fair and consistent application of baseball pitching clich... in all dealings--meaning that you knock the bastard down when he's crowding your plate.
19. Change the blown-out diaper of a virus-laden infant without making your own stink about it.
20. Recast your ego as an invisible, internal fuel cell that drives your performance . . . instead of continuing with its current incarnation: a second-rate ventriloquist who makes you act and sound like a whiny little brat.
21. Risk being hated for doing the right thing.
22. Rack up a few years of fidelity, devotion, and presence. We mean at your job.
23. Show patience with those who can't do what you can.
24. Apply direct pressure, breathe easy, and ask someone to pick up your hand, put it in the beer cooler, and drive you both to the hospital. Please.
February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 August 2007 October 2007 July 2008