be healthy

Learn the right way to respond when you're cornered by the boss

I was sitting at this meeting with Ottinger. He’s a good guy. I mean, he doesn’t know any more than he should, but that’s okay because he’s in Marketing.

Anyhow, Lafferty, who’s the head of Finance, is going on about his usual subjects, but then wanders on to something or other. All of a sudden, nobody knows what we’re talking about.

This is a critical juncture. Not knowing what you’re talking about is a common enough condition in any meeting, but the chairman is in this one, sitting at the end of the table, regarding his cuticles, and the display of not knowing what you’re talking about in front of the boss is something most of us would like to avoid.

So we’re all very nervous now, because Lafferty is blathering about stuff nobody cares about, and there’s a chance he’s going to turn to one of us and ask for a comment, and bang! all will be revealed, to somebody’s detriment. And, sure enough, I see Lafferty’s body turning toward me and Ottinger, and I know it’s going to be one of us. And then, yes! I see the finance guru’s warm, tender gaze skitter over me and focus on my marketing buddy. “Dick,” says Lafferty to Ottinger, “I was wondering what the marketing implications would be if we initiated that kind of venture in the near or intermediate term.”

And there is silence as Ottinger looks at Lafferty with absolutely no expression whatsoever, even though I know what is in Ottinger’s heart and mind. He looks down at his notes with a thoughtful game face, and then up again, poised to speak.

How many times has this happened to you? You’re called upon to act, formulate a response, or initiate a movement of some kind in public--and have no friggin’ idea what’s expected of you. Smaller players cave under that kind of pressure. The big ones don’t because they have perfected the ultimate executive capability: the fine art of faking it.

When the chairman of a multinational corporation is presiding over his annual meeting and a shareholder asks where the out-year revenues are going in this challenging economy, do you think the chief executive gives him a precise reply to something that is unknowable? Nah. He fakes it.

When a mogul is stopped on the red carpet at a big industry event and is asked when his acquisition of Poland will be approved by the SEC, he doesn’t say, “Are you kidding? How should I know?” He says, “We’re working with the appropriate folks in Washington and have every expectation of success. Now get out of my way.” In short, he fakes it.

When you ask the big, shiny head of a Fortune 500 company about any detail of any situation, chances are the guy--who is flying at 35,000 feet and pays attention to every issue for about 2 minutes, max--has no idea what you’re talking about. So he fakes it.

How? How do the big boys play the game so that the emptiness of their skulls doesn’t have a deleterious effect on the plumpness of their wallets? More important, how can you play, too?

Let us return now to Ottinger. He has been asked a question to which his common sense and experience have no rejoinder. He will now fake it because at that operation he is--take it from me--one of the best. There are, it turns out, a host of techniques he can apply. Which does he choose? Let us enter the world of quantum reality in which all things are possible. Here are the seven different ways he could answer the question.

TACTIC #1: THE BLOW BACK

“Jeez, Fred!” Ottinger barks back at Lafferty. His voice is low and modulated, but there is molten steel behind it. “That’s not the kind of thing I can just pull out of my butt and lay out on the table without a full wash and rinse of the numbers. Can you provide that right now?”

“Gee, no,” says Lafferty. “Let’s revisit it at the next meeting, huh?”

With this technique, the unwanted incursion is met with force, pushing the offending interrogator back on his or her heels. This is designed to buy the faker time to find out what the heck is going on and create the impression of competence, which, as you know, is what business is all about. The impression, I mean.

TACTIC #2: OBFUSCATING REQUESTIONING

“Well, actually, I’m not quite sure, Fred,” replies Ottinger thoughtfully. “I guess that would depend on your assumptions about the cost of both capital and labor at that point in time, as well as how bullish you want to be about the international back end. What were you thinking regarding those issues?”

“Well,” says Lafferty, riffling through his notes in confusion, “I . . . er . . . um . . . “

“Let’s move along,” says the chairman, annoyed that Lafferty has introduced details into a meeting dedicated to generalities.

Here, Ottinger has brilliantly turned the inquiry into a series of unanswerable queries to be dealt with by his tormentor. Think of a shuttlecock lazily going over a badminton net in one direction, and being returned at 40 times the speed.

TACTIC #3: ISSUE REPOSITIONING

“Wow, Fred,” says Ottinger, “while that question is certainly an important one, don’t you think we should discuss the pricing models we’ll be employing over the next several weeks instead?”

“Yes,” the chairman murmurs. “Pricing. How about that, Fred?”

Score! Once again, our hero has triumphed, this time using a tactic known to laymen as Changing the Damn Subject. This is a lot more difficult than it looks. Those in need of tutoring in the discipline need only watch one of the occasional press conferences held by the president. He’s a master at it. Lacking that, any politician will do, since men in that line of work respond only to questions they (1) know the answers to and (2) feel like answering. You need to be fast on your feet and extremely aware of which subjects can gain traction in the room.

TACTIC #4: RAPID DEFLECTION

“Yes, that’s a very interesting question, Fred,” says Ottinger, playing with his $250 Mont Blanc. “To me, it sounds doable, but it’s tough for Marketing to come down one way or another without input from Purchasing.” He then turns to Mondello, the head of that function. “What’s your take, Sal?”

“I’d have to look at it with a couple of my guys and get back to you on it,” growls Mondello, looking as if he’d like to kill both Ottinger and Lafferty. The meeting then moves on to other things.

This tactic is most effective when there are several other people in the room, but it can even work in a one-on-one situation.

“I know that Bailey in Finance has been studying that. Let me check with him and get back to you.” The truth is, any serious matter is probably the province of more than one person, and if the spud can be juggled briefly and then tossed aloft to the next guy, so much the better.

TACTIC #5: GOING FOR THE JOCULAR

“Which reminds me of a story,” begins Ottinger, with a grin. “Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says, ‘I have good news and bad news--which do you want first?’ ‘I’ll take the bad news first,’ says the guy. Doctor says, ‘Well, you have cancer, and you’re going to die.’ And the guy says, ‘My God, that’s terrible--what’s the good news?’ And the doctor says, ‘You see that receptionist out there? The one with the big boobs? I’m screwing her!’ “

The whole place erupts into meeting-appropriate chuckling. “What’s that got to do with anything?” asks Lafferty, nonplussed.

“Exactly!” says Ottinger, to additional chuckles. What a dude!

Our man Ottinger decided to entertain the group rather than deal with the problem head-on. Those who can’t tell jokes (and their number is legion) may insert a stupid golf story, a metaphorical road caper (“Jeez, was I drunk last night!”), or another tale of quasi-interest. It doesn’t matter that the response is not direct. The message you’re conveying is that life is too short to deal with effluvia like Lafferty’s. Those whose efforts fall flat should watch stand-up shows on Comedy Central to see how mediocre comedians deal with bombing. And remember, you can always score a laugh by putting yourself down: “What’s that, Lafferty? Sorry, but I’ve got enough wax in my ears to open a candle shop.”

TACTIC #6: ELECTRONIC BRAIN DEATH

“Hmm?” asks Ottinger, so deep in concentration at the object in his hand that nothing in the room can penetrate his troubled gaze. It is, of course, his BlackBerry. What awful thing could be on it? Why, it could be . . . anything! Or . . . nothing!

“Is everything okay, Dick?” says one timid voice.

“It . . . may . . . be. . . . “ Ottinger continues to scroll down the message in front of him, vaguely appalled but coping.

Who in the room has not been confronted with some nightmare over that little digital friend? Who will not sympathize and immediately forget the everyday nonsense that bozos like Lafferty present us with?

TACTIC #7: NOT FAKING IT AT ALL

At long last, the most powerful move of all, for those with the moxie and sheer cojones to perform it. Watch this . . .

“I really couldn’t tell you, Fred,” says Ottinger, gazing with utter cool at the doodles on his yellow legal pad. “I haven’t been briefed on the matter, know nothing about it, and therefore won’t waste the time of this room pretending that I do. Let’s revisit the subject off-line and let the group move on to stuff we can all at least pretend to know something about.”

For the strong, the proud, the guys who at some point just don’t give a damn, the truth can be the best defense. And knowing when to use it?

Ah, well. That’s the whole game, isn’t it?

I can’t tell you everything, you know.